Surviving Self Loathing
by Yudoku Kabe-no-Hana
Summary: Ko's fingers gripped the supple flesh of the hips he pounded into, his nails leaving crescent shapes in her pale flesh. She used him and he knew it. She hated him and he felt it but the question remained in his mind- Did she hate him as much as he hated himself? Extremely smutty and explicit. Dripping with darkness and not for the light hearted ( or underage ).


**Surviving Self Loathing**

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**Summary: Ko's fingers gripped the supple flesh of the hips he pounded into, his nails leaving crescent shapes in her pale flesh. His white eyes glared down at her, the soft body beneath him that he buried himself into nearly each and every night. Her eyes closed and brows furrowed as wanton mewls escaped her lips, sweat dripped between the valley of her breasts and her delicate hands gripped the pillow behind her head. She used him and he knew it. She hated him and he felt it but the question remained in his mind- Did she hate him as much as he hated himself?**

**WARNING: THIS IS EXTREMELY EXPLICIT. The entire thing is smutty lemon so enjoy the read unless you aren't supposed to be reading this kinda stuff. You know who you are. **

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His fingers gripped tightly onto the pliable flesh of her pale thighs, crescents carved into her skin by his nails.

Ko Hyuga glared down at the writhing body beneath him as he continued driving himself deeper inside of her.

He listened intently to each gasp and mewl that escaped her plump painted lips.

She cried out his name in between breaths in her sweet, whisper of a voice.

One would have called him a liar had he spoken word of it, surely no one had ever imagined she had the capability to speak so foul.

Not a single soul could ever imagine the quiet Hyuga female, begging for more, letting out straggled cries of sheer desire.

Her midnight hair was splayed across the white pillows, framing her flushed face adorned with furrowed brows and parted lips.

The lips she flaunted to the world but the lips that only he'd bruised with his kisses.

Ko adjusted his stance to lean over her body, spreading her legs wider allotting him to angle deeper into her tightness.

Sweat dripped from his forehead onto her own glistening skin.

On nights like this she demanded the only source of light to be what drifted in from the outside sky.

He had assumed it was because she couldn't bear to see the reminder of her constant pain but he didn't mind.

The moon light gave her pale skin such a striking glow that it nearly took his breath away.

Were it not for the anger always bubbling beneath his skin he would have lost his life long ago.

Each time he felt himself buried completely inside of her, he watched her face contort and it pissed him off but he couldn't ignore the facts.

Hinata was beautiful and Ko loved her.

Despite everything, he loved her and would continue to do so until the day he died.

She had been born into importance so when she was a young girl he was appointed as her personal babysitter.

And as all Hyuga had, he held his duty close to his heart.

But as few other Hyuga had, he held it too close.

He watched the heiress grow up, her mind and body evolving into something beyond his wildest dreams.

He found himself silently falling in love with her.

Ko was not supposed to love her, he wasn't supposed to care for her at all.

Yet even with their difference in age her soft heart had begun cracking the Hyuga armor he wore from the first moment she smiled.

At first his love for her was pure adoration, never before had a sexual thought pervaded his mind.

After all she was still lord Hiashi's daughter and truly he could never bring himself to soil such a trophy of innocence.

Ever since she was a small child, Hinata had a beaming smile, save for when she was being berated by her father, but even then she simply brushed the dirt off and continued on her way.

She had a will of fire and he couldn't help the warm rush that washed over him when he noticed her blossoming into a woman.

No, Ko was not the reason he was in this situation.

Although there is no doubt he is partly to blame for letting it get so far.

But in truth by destroying himself, hating himself and watching her hate him, he was saving her and that had always been his duty.

Humans are organisms that are hell bent on destruction, they repeat history and virtually never take heed of warnings issued.

They lose themselves in vices, rather than virtues, and indulge themselves only in the things that give them physical pleasure only to hide from the emotional pain.

Hinata had come to him, broken and shattered after a tragic loss that left the two as sole survivors.

It had always seemed that life was a series of coincidence but Ko refused to believe that day was simply a coincidence and the result had weighed heavily on his ward.

Her behavior had turned erratic.

At first she cried all day and night, and then she became fiercely angry.

It was an emotion that was very unseemly on the white eyed beauty.

Soon after her anger had passed she began taking up the sport of bar hopping.

A past time that had started as harmless outings with friends but quickly escalated into a nightly occurrence.

She would emerge from her bedroom, her hair flowing freely past her shoulders.

Her wide eyes shadowed and smoky, lips painted a plump red and dressed scantily, seemingly ready for the taking.

At first it had worried Ko, it was certainly going to make his job harder.

He knew the moment she stepped out the door dressed like that he would have to fight off many people, men and women alike.

However, instead of voicing any concern he merely followed her down the road, watching her saunter in a manner he'd never seen.

Even then, watching her traipse down the empty night roads he wanted to protect her, ensure that the Hyuga Heiress never fell upon any new harm.

It was his duty.

At the bar Hinata danced.

She'd always loved to dance and no one would know except for her… and Ko, but it was part of the job description to know these things.

So when he watched her down drinks and carelessly drift onto the dance floor he knew that she was engaging in a very human activity; denial.

She danced with nearly every man in the bar, their sweaty hands gripping at her hips, grinding their erections into the soft flesh of her behind.

Eliciting her own sultry, dazed smile.

After nearly two in the morning, Ko quickly gathered Hinata and her things and they began the wobbly trek home.

It wasn't far.

A convenient walk for her whenever she needed her fix of attention.

Once they got home Ko simply put her to bed, ensuring she had a trash can and water beside her for when she would surely need it the following morning, if not sooner.

It was only moments after he'd shed his own smoke infused clothing and crawled into bed, that he'd heard her light footsteps outside of his door.

When he opened it he found two storm clouds staring into his soul, begging for something that he simply couldn't put his finger on.

That first night, Hinata pressed a feather light hand to his bare chest and lit a flame inside of him.

She had never touched him before.

Ever.

And as she stepped forward, inching her face to his, all he could focus on was the off color mixture of need and regret in her eyes.

White had always been represented as the absence of color.

It gave the Hyuga an emotionless façade that each and every one had to live under.

However, Hinata's absence of color was different.

Rather than an abyss of emptiness, when coupled with her smile, her white eyes seemed like a blank canvas prepared for hope and prosperity.

Yet at this very moment, the darkness of his bedroom and the faint light of the moon gave her eyes a grey shading.

And, clearly hidden behind the clouds was a sense of pain that would never go away.

It was then that Ko realized he was a reminder, the only remaining piece of what her life had once been.

So when she touched their lips together he knew that he would become the vise in which she would bury her sadness.

Hinata nearly went back to normal after that, she smiled, cooked and began spending time with her friends again. She returned to her old interests of her art and music rather than drinking into unconsciousness, which had happened once or twice, and salacious excavations with strangers in bars. However old habits die hard and there was always a small part of her that longed for the attention and on those nights she would step into the living room dressed in anything short in tight. It was sometimes a dress but tonight it had been a leather mini skirt that didn't even reach the middle of her thighs, accompanied by a matching black shirt that didn't read the middle of her stomach although that was partly due to her breasts that were now professionally pushed up and together, gifting Ko with a show of soft and creamy cleavage that nearly had him straining in his pants.

He couldn't help but wonder where the days had gone when he looked at this girl and saw a beacon of hope.

Now when he looked at her it became difficult to quell the resentment that had developed within him.

All this time he'd spent his days comforting her, watching her destroy herself and indulging in each and every one of her requests as she coped through the death of her family.

But when would she realize that his family had been ripped away as well?

Here she treated him as some lowly bunke, using him as a slave, when in reality he was her companion for nearly all of their lives.

He was hurting too, dammit.

Although his disdain grew exponentially each and every time he saw her in those sparse clothes, there was always a small inkling of fear that perhaps tonight was the night Hinata would go home with someone else.

Someone that wasn't Ko and they would be the one to fuck the sadness away for the time being.

The thought alone shook him.

The human brain has a scary ability to create visual scenarios that have never happened (yet).

Each time the idea passed through his mind he couldn't help but envision some disgusting random bruising her porcelain flesh with their kisses and bites.

But, much to his relief and then the immediate wave of shame, she never did.

Instead she danced to the blaring music, grinding her fitted body against some young, inexperienced idiot who was too intimidated to touch her the way she so obviously begged for.

She watched Ko sit at a nearby table;

all the while wearing the same cloudy eyed expression, screaming to him for relieve her of the emptiness that sat inside of her.

And as sure as the sky was blue, he was going to give her all that she wished for.

On this night, the very night he finds himself recounting all the details of her coping and buried deep within the supple core of Hinata Hyuga, it was the same.

He'd quelled the rush of excitement that washed through him when she came out dressed in her mini skirt.

It was like a neon sign.

The way she barely spared him a look, spurred him on even more.

He was like a wild animal, waiting for its slab of meat from the circus ring leader when in reality he was her emotional dumping ground.

She was literally handing him all of her emotional shit and he was eating it up.

She came to him when the day had been too hard to bear and she buried her sadness beneath the pleasure as he submerged himself inside her over and over again.

Sometimes he wondered why he'd accepted this position.

He'd become Hinata's emotional crutch at the cost of his own sanity.

He realized it was because it was all that he would get from her.

He deserved so much more but the woman that he loved had drenched herself in her own sadness.

So the least he could do was allow himself to be used for her healing.

He found himself asking the very same question he asked every night.

_Does she hate me more than I hate myself_?

Ko was ripped from his thoughts as Hinata let out a cry of ecstasy, gripping the pillows and fistfuls of her own hair.

Her soft walls tightened around him and he watched the tremors of bliss ripple from her head to her toes.

She panted his name, whispering inaudible praise as Ko slowly brought his hips to a stop to watch the stars melt away from her brain.

His thoughts plagued him every time she looked at him with those begging eyes, and even more so when he found himself poised above her.

Usually at some point his body would override his mind in a fit of blinding heat and he would pour himself inside of her, gasping for air and clutching her moist skin.

But then there were nights like this one, where he felt nothing as he stared down at the center of his universe and the bane of his existence.

Her satiated smile and dreamy white eyes that fluttered open; they pissed him off.

"T-thank you." She whispered.

Thank you?

Gratitude was what he received for allowing her to use him, to abuse his love.

A love that in truth she probably never knew about.

And for allowing her to lay her sadness to rest in exchange for his constant internal battle of self-loathing and rationalization.

He seemed to question himself every day.

Stuck between wondering if he deserved the treatment he received or if he was just as bad as his oppressor for allowing it to happen.

But in the end it always boiled down to the same thing.

He loved her so fucking much.

For the first time in Hinata's life she watched Ko's eyes turn to angry slits.

He'd worn many expressions, mainly of content, concern and even happiness but anger had never been something she saw on him.

It was rather unlike him.

And in those foggy moments she couldn't fathom what had gotten him so upset.

She got her answer as he pulled himself out of her, causing her to shiver involuntarily, and she watched, as he leaned mere inches away from her face, with petrified eyes.

"No, Hinata. Thank you for letting me love you_...letting. me. Love. you_." Ko spoke slowly, pausing in between his words, seething with unexplained rage

All the while, his heart melting as she stared up at him, confusion written all over her tantalizing features.

His words were barely audible, a whisper that couldn't be heard were you not in Hinata's exact position beneath him.

"I do… I love you so fucking much that I watch you grind your ass all over every fucking man in Konoha.

I watch you drown all your sadness in a fucking bottle and all the while,

You're watching me watch you,

Your eyes begging me to fuck you until you forget and I will...

I always will fuck you, Hinata, rest assured.

After all, it's my duty.

Right?"

The sight of her trembling lower lip had his rage simmering away.

Part of him felt satisfied at the hurt in her eyes.

But another part of him couldn't take watching her tears.

In one swift movement he gripped her ass and turned her over, holding tightly to keep her backside in the air.

Her face had been plunged into the white pillows she clung to, shoulders trembling, and Ko held tightly to her thighs to keep her steady as he drove into her.

Finally for once the roles had reserved, the first thrust sent a ripple of shock through her and he felt his sadness and anger uncoil.

She yelped in shock at his strength, force was something she'd never experienced with him before.

Ko was always kind with her, even when she was a child he'd never swore at her or had an angry tone.

Somehow she'd turned her gentle caretaker into an angry soul that now had a death grip on her waist pulling her ass backward to meet his dynamic thrusts.

She bit back her moans, hiding her face in the pillow only coming out for air, breathing through her nose to keep her mouth shut.

But she should have known better.

Ko had been her only lover in her entire life and despite his apparent rage he still knew her body well beyond her own knowledge.

He let his hands slip from her hips and slide up her back.

His touch had registered in her mind as a gentle tickle to her hypersensitive flesh.

His tempo had slowed and the session turned from brutalizing to an unhurried tune of the meeting of flesh.

The chorus featured a loud, long held back moan from Hinata who now shuddered at the change of pace.

Her reluctant expression made him smirk and every subsequent pant that escaped her lips encouraged him to pile drive into her until he felt the familiar tingle creep up on him.

Ko let out a deep, throaty growl as he tossed his head back before relishing in one last thrust, eliciting a startled cry from the pale, quivering heiress.

He felt the last of his anger pour into her in ribbons of sticky come.

He sank back on his heels and watched her trembling body fall in on itself.

She panted and gasped as she turned to him, her dreamy eyes far away.

Ko ran a finger down her spine one final time, a sense of satisfaction seeping into his bones.

Silently, he was thankful she had chosen her own room for tonight's romp, he gathered up his clothes from her floor and made his way back to his bedroom.

Awaiting the next day in which Hinata Hyuga would emerge from her bedroom in a low cut top, showcasing her cleavage and the smooth skin of her midriff before spending the evening in a smoke filled bar.

Only to end up as she did every other time; moaning and writhing beneath his simplest touch.

Hinata had used him and in that he'd learned everything he needed to about her, despite his sworn Hyuga duty to protect, he'd used it against her.

To hurt her.

And he intended on doing it again until she understood the impact she had on his soul.

Every glance she stole from him and every piece that shattered as he watched her throw herself away.


End file.
